“The nice thing about rain is that it always stops. Eventually.” Eeyore
To fully appreciate the good days, you have to experience the bad days. How would you ever know what a good day was, if you never had a bad day to measure it by? A bad day does have its uses. They are not permanent. Only temporary.
I still get in funks every now and then. Way less than I used to though. But when I do, I don’t go into a huge downward spiral thinking life sucks, it’s never going to get better, and on and on. I feel the same way about the sunny days as well. I try to view my moods as waves and allow them to come and go and not to get fixated on trying to hold the hell onto a good day and trying to kick a bad day to the curb. Sunny days are just as temporary asthe rainy days. But as you begin your journey into recovery, you will find that the sunny days last a hell of a lot longer than the rainy days. It used to be the exact opposite. But work your program, keep getting back up, and have faith in yourself.
When you find yourself in a rainy day funk, have a back up plan. What can you do to take care of yourself to make sure you don’t fall back into your old patterns of behavior? Mine are hot bubble baths, yoga, and meditation. You could also journal, call someone, get a massage, paint your nails, anything to take care of yourself.
In times like these, put yourself first. You are not being selfish by doing this. Take care of you first, so you’ll be able to be of service to the world better.
For so long we have put ourselves at the bottom of our to do lists. This week I want each one of you to do something nice for yourselves. Just for you.
It is important to take time out for self care, especially in recovery. Celebrate all your little victories. A week without restricting? Treat yourself. A week without binging and purging? Treat yourself. A few days following your meal plan? Treat yourself. Pat yourself on the back. You are making it.
You don’t have to spend much either. I would buy myself candles and bubble bath. I do ask that you try not to buy clothes, because of the anxiety that may bring up. Especially in the early stages of recovery. Jewelry and shoes would be fine though. Massages would be awesome as well. Anything that would be just for you.
If you ever begin to see a therapist, he or she will most likely suggest that you start a journal. I’m suggesting you start one now if you don’t have one already. It doesn’t have to be fancy. I’d write in a plain notebook, like one you use for school. There are many options, from the fancy notebooks to keeping it on your computer. It doesn’t matter. Just journal.
What you write isn’t important either. Try to write about your feelings. That may be hard at first, especially since your disease has done such a good job at keeping feelings at bay. But try to get in touch with them.
Looking back at my old journals from when I was in the midst of my disease, I never wrote about my feelings. It was all this happened, and then this happened, and so on. Just a log of events. Nothing about how I felt about anything. Now I was going through a bunch of crap besides my eating disorder throughout this time of my life. I was dating one guy that was physically abusive to me for example. I would write about the fights we had, and how he had hit me. There would be no emotion coming from me. Nothing. That’s how numb I was. Years later when I reread my journals, and was recovering, the tears came. I finally allowed myself to feel.
Get those feelings out of you. Don’t let them simmer inside. Don’t cover them up with the disease. You have to feel to heal.
There were many times in the beginning when I would just get my journal and pen out and just scribble out as angry as I could. No words. Just scribbles. That helped a lot. Just do something.
Start by writing the first thing that comes into your head and go from there. “This girl on the internet said I need to journal. She doesn’t know what’s she’s talking about. But I’ll try it.” Anything.
Hopefully you will do it and stick with it. There were many times my journal was my best friend. I would spend hours writing page after page in it. It was the safest place I could get all my feelings out without judgment. It gave me peace. It gave me sound of mind. My hope is that it does the same for you.
Over five years ago I had surgery that put me out for awhile. It took a few months to feel where I felt normal again. Relatively normal that is. My body would let me know when it had taken on too much for the day and such. So I listened. I rested. I slept. I laid on my butt. A lot. It was frustrating. I’m by no means a get up and go kind of gal. I’m laid back and prefer to chill, but this surgery had really been a lesson in respecting my limits. One day I felt great. The next day I felt as if I’ve been hit by a truck.
Recovery from anything can be like this. Especially an eating disorder.
I would always wish that recovery would be step one, then step two, and step three, and so forth. But it’s not. Instead of a straight line, it’s a bunch of squiggly lines all over the place. And that’s OK. That is how we get from being sick to being healthy. It’s the same for all of us. No matter what the problem. Accept it. One day you may feel like you’ll never be tempted again. The next day, you may have the biggest episode of your life. And that’s how it is. It’s ok. As long as you begin again. Keep going forward every chance you have. “Fall down seven. Get up eight.”
Listen to your body and its needs. Respect your body. That’s probably one of the hardest things to learn to do in recovery. For so long, we have ignored our bodies basic needs. Start to tune in to yourself. What do you need right now? What is your body trying to tell you? Get quiet for a few minutes and just breathe. The answers will come to you. If not, at least you’ll feel calmer!
Once you begin to get healthy again, you will notice that the backward steps are getting further and further apart from the forward steps. There will be many more forward steps than backward ones. But do not beat yourself up over the backward ones. Learn from them. They are not a reflection of who you are as a person. They are just reminders that there are a few more steps to take.
You are not your disease!!! Got it? You aren’t. You are so much more than it. Now the eating disorder wants you to believe you are nothing without it, that your whole identity is wrapped up in it. But that is a lie. You are a beautiful person who just so happens to be suffering with a horrible disease. The disease is a small part of you. Only a small part of you.
I remember a girl that was in my support group who was so scared to get better. She said that for as long as she can remember she was always known as “the sick one”. She did not want to get better, because without the illness she felt she had nothing else. Nothing else to make her stand out from the rest of her family. I’m sure many of you have felt that way before.
Well now’s the time to find something else to be known for. Get rid of the “sick” image. That’s not serving you, nor anyone else. Who would you be if you did not have this illness? What would your plans for the future be? What would you want to accomplish? Because you can do all that and more. You just have to let go of the limiting belief that this disease has on you. Let it go. You are an amazing person who was put here to do amazing things. Do them!
To begin to see yourself without the disease, list five things about yourself that has nothing to do with the outside of you (appearance). Mine might be: I’m funny, caring, intuitive, quirky, and headstrong.
Basically I’m saying not to let the disease define you. You are more than someone who is suffering from an eating disorder. Hopefully in the future you won’t be suffering from one at all. Concentrate on all your good traits and let those blossom. The world needs more great people like you.
You’re fat. You cow. You’re wearing that? You’re so ugly. I can’t stand you. No one likes you. You disgust me.
Would you ever say any of those things to one of your friends? No, of course not.
Would you be friends with anyone who said this to you? You say no. But you say things like this to yourself everyday, I bet. I know I did. It was like a tape playing over and over in my head. Nothing was ever good enough for that voice in my head.
In order to get better, I had to learn how to become a good friend to myself. One of the ways to do that was to retrain the way I talked to myself. If I would never ever talk to anyone in the way I talked to myself, why did I do it to myself? There’s that old saying – you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. That saying has been around for years because it’s true.
The way I retrained my brain was whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I immediately countered it with the exact opposite positive statement. “I’m fat” became “I’m healthy”. “I’m ugly” became “I’m pretty”. “Everyone hates me” became “Everyone likes me”.
There was TONS of resistance at the beginning. TONS!!! I was going against twenty plus years of programming. The e.d. voice in my head would laugh and laugh at me. I ignored it and kept chugging along. Yes I felt stupid at the beginning. I always thought affirmations were silly. But if my constant negative talk to myself made me believe all that, wouldn’t my positive talk cause me to believe it as well? I had nothing to lose, so I did it. And know what? It did work. Not overnight. I had years to work against. But it did.
I am a firm believer that the thoughts you put out in the Universe will become your reality. Change your thoughts, change your world. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. When you catch yourself talking bad to yourself, stop. Say something nice. This isn’t about vanity or being stuck on yourself. It’s about being loving to yourself. You will start to believe the positive thoughts about yourself. This is something I still struggle with everyday. People with and without eating disorders do the same thing. It’s human nature. Be willing to change and practice this tool. I promise you it works. The two words I AM are some the most powerful words there are. Be careful about what you put behind them. You are proclaiming this to the Universe, and it has no choice but to reflect it back to you. Let your words be kind and caring.
