What was the hardest thing about recovery for me?
I received this question in my DMs recently. The first thing that came to my mind after reading it was the word control.
Control came in many forms for me while I was suffering.
We all know that the control you feel while in the depths of an eating disorder isn’t real. It’s an illusion. But we believe in it none the less. It gives us a false sense of security. Nothing and no one can hurt us. We are in complete control of our body and emotions.
Which is utter bullshit. The eating disorder is in full control. It just lets us believe we are until it’s time to give it up.
Giving up the false sense of control was the hardest.
To get better, I had to put trust in my treatment team. Release the reins to them. Let them take control. As hard as it was to admit, I wasn’t doing a very good job at handling my life.
Ed wasn’t very happy about this.
“They’re going to make you fat.” “Don’t believe anything they tell you.” “They’re lying about all of this.” “They’re jealous you have willpower and they don’t.” “I have your back, they don’t.”
And on and on and on it went.
So how did I relinquish control?
I looked at my current situation in a very compassionate way and saw that I wasn’t doing a very good job. I told myself that they know what they’re doing and have my best interests at heart. They are safe to trust. This did not happen overnight. It was something that I had to constantly remind myself of time and time again. As with anything that takes practice, it soon began to get easier. Eventually I surrendered. I came to the realization that wherever treatment was taking me, it had to be better than where my eating disorder took me. And it was.
Journal: Does control play a part in your eating disorder? What do you think would happen if you allowed others to help you? What would be scary? What would be a relief?
much love, kelly